Friday, December 29, 2006

The Great 2007 New Years Stage Race

The only bummer about bringing all that christmas chocolate and cookies to work is that I am at work too.


Germans love them some buttery chocolately food at Christmas time. Speaking of which, I need to find some marzipan pigs for Amy's party. Jeez, you think there's any stores in the Cruz that sell these silly things? Marizpan pigs. How the hell do these traditions get started anyway? Thats what I like about being second generation. I can pick and choose whatever the hell customs from my culture I want. (Fascism? Nah...but I'll keep the whole almond pink pig thing going. Thanks) So better way to work off the marzipan or mexican cheese than a good ol fashioned stage race.

Bet you didn't know a stage race was going on right now, did you? Well it is. Except I think Lilly and I are the only ones racing it. Everyone else is our props. We might get Bunny to race it with us too. Or JJ.

Its a grueling, demanding 5 stage event that will test the hearts and lungs of someone, but probably not us. Here are the stages:

Today's prologue was held today in Morgan Hill. It was a 40 minute loop around the reservoir and it was a little bit hard. And I only had like 50 psi in my tires. And Lilly missed it. So I might have won the stage race already. The judges are still out on it. If Lilly did something equally grueling tonight, she might be allowed to start tomorrow's stage.
Advantage - me

Stage 1, Saturday:
The Coffee-Coughing-Cocoa loop - Santa Cruz

Don't let the lack of climbs on this stage fool you. This is a stage for the real strong men of the peloton. Which is why you will find us sipping cocoa and hiding behind our husbands. This stage will be won by the rider who knows how to unashamedly hide in the draft the best. Both Lilly and I are equally unashamed about making someone else do all the work. Lilly's husband provides a bigger draft than my svelte but luscious boy, but Steven isn't scheduled to show. JJ has the clear advantage on this stage, but I think we will disqualify her on a technicality if she shows.
Advantage - me.

Stage 2, Saturday Night
The Nutcracker - Flint Center

Lord have mercy I have to take my mom to the ballet tomorrow night. I should get a generous time bonus. At least there will be men in tights.
Advantage - me

Stage 3, Sunday
Thar She Blows Loop - Monterey Peninsula

My old stomping grounds. They are calling me. Its gray whale season too. We need one of those profile thingies for this stage so you can see the big climbs and gasp at what we will attempt. She may call herself the skinniest fat girl, and she may think that the Cacique hampered her physique, but Lilly is lithe and should scramble away from me when the going gets steep.
Advantage - Lilly

Stage 4, Sunday Night
Cheese and Chocolate Fondling Party - San Francisco
I can handle the chocolate, and Lilly can handle the cheese. And lord knows we can take the tickle. But what about the booze? I think I've got wine and champagne covered, but Lilly....she just came off of seven days of visiting with her family from Mexico. And they brought the real stuff with them. Lilly's been doing tequila intervals with the real shit that gets confiscated at the border. I bow to her with my wimpy wine glass.
Advantage - Lilly

Stage 5, Monday Morning
Are you fricken kidding me? - San Bruno
This final stage will decide the winner. Laura has proven that she can party all night and win a race the next day. Who cares that it wasn't on a bicycle? And I will be riding on sheer lust because lord knows thats the only reason I would drag my hungover ass out of bed for a stupid hillclimb.
Advantage - ?


At 10:37 PM, December 29, 2006, Blogger Velo Bella said...

its on

At 11:47 AM, December 30, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You ladies are crazy! I sincerely hope that hill climb is called the Hangover Hill Climb! See you tomorrow!

At 3:18 PM, December 30, 2006, Blogger Olaf Vanderhoot said...

Stage 1 mini-report:

Jen went ballistic as Lilly's substitute Steve.

apparently, VB's ace domestique was bribed with messican lard n' chiles.

left isolated, VB couldn't defend against the dark skinned alliance.

Prologue: VB
Stage 1: Lilly

upcoming in Stage 2 ... slowclimb contest!

At 3:59 PM, December 30, 2006, Blogger trac said...

Ah yes, lust can make even the sanest of us climb on top of things quickly... good luck!

At 6:06 PM, December 30, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh gosh, this is just too hilarious!

At 9:07 PM, December 30, 2006, Blogger Lilly Bella said...

Bribery is what makes my home patria (country) go round and round. Vb didn't realize what she brought on! It is hardly fair, skill is no match for age and treachery.

While VB celebrates stage 3 in her marzipan piggy wiggy tradition, I'll be playing cards and loading the pistola with frijoles. I don't know, its hardly a contest by then...see ya tamale.

At 4:16 PM, December 31, 2006, Blogger Olaf Vanderhoot said...

Stage 3 report ~

VB took the advantage early in the stage by ... actually arriving on time. Lilly was penalized three chiles and a messican mirror for her tardiness.

Out on the roads, it was cat and mouse most the day. At one point VB took off for what she thought was a sprint bonus, but in fact, only chased down a fast freddie who was showing off for the ladies.

Lilly threw in a hard "whale-sighting" acceleration ... but her domestique blew chunks on her and the tactic backfired miserably.

Late in the ride Lilly pedaled too hard on the climb and was assessed a yellow card for displaying unsightly sweat stains.

Finally, as the stage drew to a close, with fatigue setting in and pressures rising ... Lilly made the fatal error of sitting next to VB in the coffee shop ... setting herself up for a well-placed "spill" of VB's hot apple cider.

crotch shot spill of coffee house beverage = VB stage 3 winner.

At 4:21 PM, December 31, 2006, Blogger Olaf Vanderhoot said...

oh, forgot the Stage 2 report:

14 men in extremely tight stretchy pants ... all night long.

it was a flurry of "butt, package, butt" visuals as the boys twirled and skipped around the stage.

... let me just say, europeans don't mind their twigs n' berries displayed in due-north directions, if you catch my meaning.

in what should have been her easiest stage win, VB was regulated to 3rd place after getting caught giggling like an adolescent in sex-ed class.

i get 2nd cuz ... VB got excited from seeing all those muscle butts.

STAGE 2: Lilly

At 4:42 PM, December 31, 2006, Blogger Velo Bella said...

i love the ballet

At 7:49 PM, January 01, 2007, Blogger bbElf (a.k.a. panda) said...

Really, is there any other way to display them?

At 9:11 AM, January 02, 2007, Blogger Velo Bella said...

Stage 5 was cancelled due to flooding by tequila and honey wine.


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