Friday, October 19, 2007

Squish, Splash, Smoosh.

Or is smoosh spelled shmoosh?

The Squish
Yesterday was the day I rode over stuff. I rode over everything. Just rode right over it. Log? Ride over it. Rock? Ride over it. Curb? Ride over it. If it was in my way I just rode over it. The ride over shit ride.

God damn it was fun.

I thought the Dawg would help teach me some skillz. But I don't think I am learning any skillz here. No skillz are required in riding over shit.

The bike does all the work. Really. I just sit there and pedal. I don't pick a line, or lift my front wheel or shift my weight or modulate the brake, hell, I probably don't even have to look where I am going if I don't feel like it.

The Splash
And its that kind of attitude thats going to get me in trouble. I have already found myself in mini-trouble a couple of times. Once I got all over cocky about riding over logs and I tried to ride over a wet log at a 45 degree angle. I don't normally ride over logs, so I didn't know that this is a bad thing.

I fell into a puddle. That was a bummer. But it was still better than getting my boobs smooshed.

The Smoosh
I had my first mammogram yesterday. I really didn't think about the date when I scheduled it, but let me tell you, scheduling it the day before your period (guys this is where you can tune out)starts is not a good idea.

They take your boob, put a really unattractive pastie (is there a more medical term for this?) on the nipple, and plop (okay, my boob didn't really plop, but I would imagine that larger boobs would plop)the boob on a shelf attached to a big old machine.

But thats not all. There's more.

I once had a pressed flower kit as a kid. Now I know how those flowers felt.

While your boob is plopped on the shelf, another shelf comes down on top of it. And the Xray tech starts clamping it down tight. And just when you think they can't possibly clamp down any more, they clamp down some more. Fortunately your head is turned so you can't see what yor boob looks like smooshed back into two dimensions.

Then they xray tech tells you not to move. Like, where am I gonna go?

Then they do the same thing in the other direction. But that didn't hurt as bad for some reason. Maybe because all the blood had already been smooshed out of my boob.

And then they do the other boob. But by then, I was glazed over and delirious and don't remember much and it was over pretty fast.

Then the tech told me to get dressed and she reminded me to take off my pasties. (she called them pasties). If I wasn't so busy trying to pop my boobs back into shape I might have remembered that. Instead I rode over shit with pasties on.


At 2:04 PM, October 19, 2007, Blogger marscat said...

nobody ever gave me a pastie.

and i worked at a mammography center for seven years and never heard of people getting pasties.

was that xray tech wearing go-go boots?

At 2:15 PM, October 19, 2007, Blogger Olaf Vanderhoot said...

i love mammo stories.

At 3:04 PM, October 19, 2007, Blogger Velo Bella said...

did I have the pastie perv mammo tech then?

At 3:04 PM, October 19, 2007, Blogger Velo Bella said...

now I'm gonna go google mammography pastie...even though I am at work

At 3:16 PM, October 19, 2007, Blogger marscat said...

pastie perv mammo tech of them at every mammo center

At 3:36 PM, October 19, 2007, Blogger Velo Bella said...

maybe my nipples are special?

At 4:14 PM, October 19, 2007, Blogger X Bunny said...

no pasties with mine, either

thank goodness

At 4:35 PM, October 19, 2007, Blogger X Bunny said...

and good job for doing your mammo on time and all

isn't olaf about due for his prostate check?

At 6:32 PM, October 19, 2007, Blogger velogirl said...

okay, I have to admit I haven't had one yet. but I've got one questions. does a mammo make your boobs bigger? like do they get all stretched out? and what did you find out about the pasties?

At 8:44 PM, October 19, 2007, Blogger Velo Bella said...

First let me do my breast cancer prevention duty and state that the mammogram really wasnt that bad so if you are in a group thats recommended to go get one, then go get one. Who knows, maybe you will win the mystery pasty lottery.

And I didn't google the pasty thing. I forgot, I have blocked myself from googling anything medical. So I will just do what I always do, and ask Soni.

And boobs are amazingly resilient. Mine just sort of popped right back into place as if nothing ever happened.

At 9:40 PM, October 19, 2007, Blogger X Bunny said...

i googled it and don't think pasty is the correct term....

i couldn't find anything

probably the perv theory is the best one

At 9:44 PM, October 19, 2007, Blogger X Bunny said...

found them
they are nipple marker

i didn't know a nipple needed marking

At 8:03 AM, October 20, 2007, Blogger dblrider said...

X - Sometimes people are nipple challenged and need to mark them so they know where they are... hee hee. Seriously, though, the breasts are getting smooshed (I was about to say squished, but the sound is wrong) for a good cause. My mom's family has a history of breast cancer (two out of her three sisters have had breast cancer and she's fighting lung cancer right now), so she gets a mammo every year. She's had a couple lumps, but no breast cancer. So, enjoy the pasties (oops, I mean nipple markers - steal them next time!) and cross your fingers that the system will soon realize that breast smooshing is not necessary - use an MRI for crying out loud! And the nipple marker gives the tech a reference point on the mammo (which is a cross between an x-ray and a sonogram, so the soft tissue of the nipple doesn't show up really clearly, hence the nipple marker!). Clearly, I have too much breast trivia in my brain... And no, I'm not a pastie perv mammo tech (VB-that one is SOOOOO funny!), just your typical breast loving guy!

At 8:10 AM, October 20, 2007, Blogger chatterbox said...

Did you ever get that email joke that went around about how to prepare for a mammogram? One of the 'practice' techniques was to take your shirt off , lie on the garage floor and have someone back the car over your boob.

At 8:11 AM, October 20, 2007, Blogger lauren said...

marscat, you don't seem old enough to me to have had all those jobs.

i don't know how mamo's feel on big boobs, but let me tell you - on small boobs it' hurts. small boobs don't plop.

you have to stretch them out and hold them out until the machine grabs them enough to hold them there.

is your new bike a 29er?

At 8:52 AM, October 20, 2007, Blogger Ippoc Amic said...

no pasties for me either...they didn't warn you about scheduing after your period? that is just mean...

At 7:31 AM, October 21, 2007, Blogger CyclistRick said...

The indignities of the rights of passage. For women it is the mammogram, for us guys it is the prostate exam. Then for all of us there is that very invasive test that your doctor will recommend at your next 'milestone' birthday (or is it version .0 birthday?). They all suck, but they are all for a purpose. Another reason aging sucks.

At 7:14 PM, October 21, 2007, Blogger Velo Bella said...

I'm having that one this week, but Michael made me promise not to blog about it. The boobs he was fine with, but this one....not so much.

At 7:13 AM, October 22, 2007, Blogger CyclistRick said...

VB - worst part of that other procedure is the 'no solid food' for 24 hours. Jello and 7-Up is not for me. Hint: do not walk through a restaurant district during that time.

At 9:07 AM, October 23, 2007, Blogger Eclectchick said...

Pasties? WTF?

I recently got the unpleasant news that I have to go in for another mammogram. I guess you're supposted to do it yearly now, after 40?? Ugh.

At 10:58 AM, October 24, 2007, Blogger Emily said...

No pasties or plop for me either.

Doesn't sound like missing out on the pasties was a bad thing.

Maybe they need to make them with flowers and pictures of super heroes similar to band aids.

At 12:14 PM, October 25, 2007, Blogger bbElf (a.k.a. panda) said...

I have no idea how I missed this post.

I was stopping by to give *muah*s, but then this made me laugh aloud at work: "Then they xray tech tells you not to move. Like, where am I gonna go?"


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